It started at the beginning of April. After having a brief discussion about life with Courtney Klaver she asked about my feelings towards IHOP. I expressed how dreadful several hours of prayer a day sounded to me. She conveyed that by spending all that time in direct contact with God really lets you see how God sees you and provides healing for the areas of your life that need it. God really hit me then. The thought of seeing myself as God sees me at first terrified me. I was afraid God would see me as a kid who screwed up every chance he had and was of no use to His kingdom, but I knew that couldn't be the case, and at that moment I felt an unexplainable desire to do everything it took to find the heart of God.
The Bible refers to David as "A man after God's own heart." I don't know what David did to get that description, but it's exactly how I have felt for the past month or so. I went home the next morning and told my parents my plan. I thought they would be apprehensive, but they were overjoyed. I knew I was making the right choice for the first time in years. I had my application for Fire in the Night in by Monday. I really started to see God move in my life almost immediately. He really started to pour His wisdom and love into me and showed me that all of those years I thought he had forsaken me, he was just giving me exactly what I thought I wanted: a life without Him. As terrible as that sounds, I wouldn't have the attitude I have now about Him had I not attempted life in his absence. I now know that He is the only thing that won't let me down, and that I felt so abandoned by Him because I abandoned Him.
As I started to pray I really felt that this was where God was calling me. Then one day I got a letter saying that my acceptance to the Fire in the Night internship had been postponed. I called to explore my options, and it turns out that due to my insomnia I just needed to apply for One Thing instead, due to the day-time scheduling as opposed to the night. This is when I really started to see that God just wants me to let go and let Him be in control. I was petrified when I read that letter, but everything turned out okay, and I'm slowly learning to relinquish the controls of my life to Him and for His glory.
As I prepare for IHOP a big thing I'm hoping God can deal with is my past. I've made a lot of mistakes in past concerning decisions with just about everything you could make bad decisions with. One of the biggest things is deep emotional scars from various relationships that went bad when I was in high school. They've made me put up extremely thick walls to prevent the same hurt from occurring again, but I know that to achieve the full benefit from my time at IHOP, I need to become transparent and remove those walls. I already see God starting to remove them, but the process isn't going to be complete without a lot of prayer. As the departing date approaches, I develop more and more of a spirit of doubt. I start to doubt that God can overcome my past; that he can heal my wounds; that he can allow me to open up to people. I know this is false, but it keeps just pecking at me. I just need some prayers that I could remain faithful to His calling and remember that He is the God of the universe and that if He wills it, it will be accomplished.
I suppose this is a pretty decent first post, so I will leave it at that. I'll try to update every week or 2 before I leave just to let you all know about upcoming events that I'm planning for fundraising, as well as keep you posted on my milestones and struggles so you have things to praise God for, and thing to offer up prayers for. Thank you all SO much for you extended support. I wouldn't be half the man I am today without each and every one of you, and I know that I'm not even half the man that God needs me to be right now, but with your continued support I know I can get there. Thank you all so much. You meant the world to me. I will keep you posted!
No comments:
Post a Comment